I’ve been thinking a lot about resolutions and expectations and personal growth. And it’s making me want a nap.
I kid. Kind of.
So… 2010. This was one craptastic year. Oh, it started off well enough, as they always do. But this became yet another year marred by love and loss. This was also the year that I learned some really hard lessons and shed some dead weight.
I’m a girl who likes to be liked. If you’re in a crowd near me and you hear laughter, look for me. That’s where I’ll be, amongst friends or people who haven’t yet become my friends. I’m a wild child with a penchant for the inappropriate. What can I say? It gets me friends.
This year I lost a friend, a good friend, someone close to my heart. A girl who made me feel like a better person for having known her. A girl that saved babies’ lives, a girl that thought nothing of talking to total strangers, a girl with a crippling fear of spiders and a weird cadence to her words when she got excited. She was a tall girl, a big girl with a big smile and big curly hair like mine. I like to think we had some similarities, Bella and me.
When Bella died, an online community of friends I’d known for years spontaneously combusted and splintered off. I stood up for what I believed in and it turns out some of them didn’t like that one bit.
And so I went down in a blaze of glory, along with some other friends who felt the same way I did.
When you’re a girl who likes to be liked, that kind of spontaneous combustion can really smart. But here’s the thing- after the initial hurt and rage, my mind settled into the newfound realization that if I’d been put in a room with those people, I wouldn’t have had much to say after the initial pleasantries. Turns out those people that got all righteously indignant and dropped me weren’t really that high on my “to do” list to start with.
Really, it was the rejection that stung, not the people who rejected me.
And in this age of social networks and message boards, I realized I’ve remained friends with some people who wouldn’t have a place in my “real” life. And so that blaze of glory just helped me shed a whole lot of dead weight.
And my life feels lighter for it.
I’m the world’s worst person for making resolutions and keeping them. I’m famous for my lack of self control. But I know one thing- I’m going into 2011 knowing that it’s ok to move on. It’s ok to leave behind friendships that weren’t really friendships at all, more like a habit you take up, kind of like smoking a cigarette only because everyone around you is smoking and you feel silly not smoking a cigarette, even though you don’t smoke.
I know that this year I’m not going to fall for it. This year I’m not going to do anything I don’t want to do just because I feel like I have to, feel like I “should.”
This year I’m taking “should” out of my vocabulary.
In 2011 I’m going to work on separating the wheat from the chaff, getting rid of that and those who no longer serve me. Wow, that sounds kind of pompous but you know what I’m saying. I’m going to focus on the beautiful, heartening, heartfelt, nurturing, calling-me-on-my-bullshit, supportive and wonderful friends that I have left. I’ve no need to be a “collector” of friends, trying to see how high I can get that number on Facebook. Just give me the ones that really love me and that’s all I need.
And to all that dead weight behind me…..
eat my dust.